Disenfranchised Grief is real

Disenfrachised grief is real...  

I would have never gotten on the path to healing if it wasnt for a wonderful non profit called bravelove.   Brave Love is a non profit organazation that shines a light on the birth mother in adoption. An amazing place for support and education for anyone touched by adoption but What I love the most about bravelove besides the women that run it is that they are consciously, with intention, changing the language we use around adoption and the stigmas surrounding adoption and they're empowering birth mothers in adoption. They honor the birth/first mother and celebrate our very brave decision to make for our children.  My adoption story is very unconventional.  Its also messy, complicated, confusing and full of a lot of love..... and pain.  I wont go into my story today but If you want to know more about my adoption story, part of my adoption story, you can go to www.bravelovc.org/stories/aimee and read my first hand story and publication on bravelove.org.   

 I  had a lot of fear, abandonment and shame in my adoption.  In wriitng my adoption memoir,  I want my memoir to be a teaching memoir, where if a young woman finds herself in a unplanned pregnancy she can read my book and get the truth on what making an adoption plan for placement really means before the childs birth and after the placement.  I want any woman thinking of adooption to go in it with thier eyes wide open.  There is so much that birth mothers arent told that I feel is deliberately kept silent.  For me and my adoption experience, I can say that they do not tell you the grief you will experience after placement.  It is debilitating.  Theres so much you grieve that they dont tell you about. You find yourself in a hell of deep sorrow that science now knows is felt down to the cellular level.  The primal wound is horrific.  Its paralyzing.  I could not figure out how everyone was going on with thier lives when such a traumatic event just occurred. The smallest things would trigger this grief.  Seeing a child in The grocery store that reminded me of my children, a song, a holiday. It seemed like  there was always a constant reminder of my loss in life just lingering around to remind me of my loss through adoption.  The fact that you choose and make an adoption plan for your child does not absolve you from the grief of that choice and loss.  Your still losing a child.  Whether that be to adoption or some other kind of loss doesnt lessen that loss.  Also, there is disenfranchised grief that birthmothers and adoptees have to deal with.  Society doesnt allow us to grieve the loss of a child or birth parent.  Were told that "We should be grateful" they have a family or that all the kids are together.  Its a horrific thing to put on someone that is suffering loss.  Disenfranchised grief is real and its unfair to put such a stigma onto a parent or child that is grieving.  If you know someone that is adopted, or someone that has placed a child for adoption - give them a safe space to talk, let them know you are there for them without judgement, and that they have a safe place to talk and to grieve their loss if they need it.  Thats a huge gift you can give them.  Of all those you know, whose life has been touched by adoption? How can you be a safe place for them to feel they can express their grief and emotions?  You dont have to pretend you know how they feel, you just have to allow them to feel safe to express what theyre feeling.  Thats a great start in disempowering the disenfranchised grief they have to carry.