Learnign From and Honoring them

 I learn so much from my two pugs.  Even as I watch then sleep with thier snores to be heard throughout the house they remind me of how important it is to stay in the present moment. So many days turn into years of rushing here and meeting this person and making this appoitnment on time that we dont really cherish the moment were in and when those moments are gone and are just left as a memory we want that moment back because we could have spent out time so much more wisely.  We could have given that person a little bit of more attention, we could have stopped and helped that person, we could have taken a moment out of my day to spend more time with my dogs.  I look at photos of my son and moments of his last year of life and how I was so bleessed to have him here for that year back in my home living with me. It was no accident that he spent his last year of life here.  God was giving me a gift.  From my flesh he was born and so shall he return to me.  I think about our times we spent talking and raking the yard and eating breakfast together and how I wish I had more of those days with him.  I think about how he would tell everyone  how he loved livng here and it was the most peaceful place hes ever lived. I feel honored he would say such a thing and coming from him thats a huge compliment since there were few places he found peace.  Im writing a book about his suicide.  A daily meditation for survivors of suicide loss. My heart is poured out onto the pages of thie book. Memories I share and relive that bring me to my knees. My sorrow, heartache, love and grief is poured onto the pages and I feel its my way of honoring Dylan the best way I know how he would do it.  By helping others.  I wanted to be a friend and companion for others whose lfie has been blown wide open from the loss of a loved one by suicide.  I think when we get out of ourselves our own pain and get into helping others through thier pain and grief its the only way I know how to honor Dylan and his life. I think what’s most important its not how he died,  but its how he lived that matters. I was having a conversation with A friend she had her eight-year-old son with her. She was asking me how I was doing with my grief after the loss of my son, and I was talking to her and telling her how sad I was and how I missed the light that he brought into this world he had a light in him that was so pure and out of the mouth of babes as they say this eight year-old boy chimed in and said, of course you’re sad that you miss your son. You loved him and he loved you, but I feel sad for all the people that didn’t know him. They’re the real losers in his death.  My mind was blown my heart was blown even more wide open. Children can say the wisest things at the most precious time.

I will tell the world about my son and to those who never got to meet or know him I will share my sons light with them all.